Only a few of you REALLY know me. You have no clue what makes me tick. Yes, I'm dedicated to my kids, a hard worker, highly intelligent and ambitious blah blah blah but WHO AM I?
I ask myself this daily because the person who I envision and the person I am are two very disparate characters at times. First and foremost, I am angry. With whom, you wonder? The answer is simple..myself.
Although I am blessed, I never thought at 37 years old, my life would be where it is today. I have three kids, I am unmarried,nd that doesn't look to change anytime soon. Why? Because I am also afraid. Afraid of getting hurt yet again by males who I trusted and turned around and shit on me, especially when I needed them the most. I often ask myself, "What prevented you from seeing what they were really about..there were signs..yet you chose to ignore them..pretend they didnt exist."
I love my kids, don't get me wrong but more times than not I regret the relationships I was in which produced them. If I could live life all over again, I would not have sex until I was married (ok, I'm lying...until I am engaged..gotta test drive the goods first!lol) because more than anything I am remorseful that my kids are not a part of a cohesive family unit. Hence, the self-disappointment. My situation will NEVER dictate the outcome of my kids' lives and rarely do I ever discuss it with them, but they are not stupid. I hear the comments, especially from the 5-year-old, because he more than any of them wants his daddy everyday (not de sperm donor--but that's another blog for when I'm under the influence). Just this weekend he said: "I want to be in my daddy's wedding when he marries you 'cause if he marries you then I can have him forever."
He broke my heart when he said that but he will never know..cause his mama is a soldier. And I dont ever want to burden him with my sorrow for what is and what most likely will never ever be.
I often wonder what my daughter thinks of me. She's a good girl and her academics are on point. I am so proud of her, but I am also hard on her the most because like hell if I want her to be like me from that perspective.
I want her to make much better choices. I want her to get married and I definitely want her to have her kids with ONE man. She knows how I feel about that as I make no bones about it. She's beautiful and she knows it, especially since EVERY day someone is fawning over her eyes (it irritates me because if I was white or light no one would say anything) so like hell will I ever allow her to become shallow and so in awe of compliments that some lil thug or nuffinarian will charm her pants off her. But I have to be careful..last thing I want is to inadvertently make her so hard that she doesn't get to enjoy real, unadulterated love. Because believe it or not, I do believe that it does exist. And I will have it one day. Once I learn to forgive....
Forgiving is extremely difficult for me. I NEVER forget. Hell, I could tell you what I was doing 10 years ago so letting go of recent stuff dont stand a chance. I am working on it but it's hard when the very people who offend you are prancing all around Bermuda, gloating in your face.
I have to understand that not all men are alike. That there are decent men out there. And I need to understand that Bermuda is only a small dot on the world map....love is boundless. But whether it's next door or 1,000 miles away (where would that be anyway?) I have to stop being mad and be willing to accept the love I truly deserve....
TBC
Reading this made me cry. It was like you were writing about my life. I feel everything you just wrote. I feel exactly (well from your blog) as you do. Some things may not be exact but trust.. Our lives seem to be really parallel. In all that I am going to keep trusting that The master guides my steps. But gosh.. this has been a tear filled day. Your very brave for putting yourself out there. That is one thing maybe im not.Brave. But should get more courage. Blessing to you Carla. And thanks. I don't feel so alone anymore.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on this, Carla! Sometimes, we have to ask ourselves, what is it about the pain and suffering we go through as individuals. Why is this happening to me? At times like those, we have to look deep within for peace and realize, we are just human. That maybe all the pain and ignorance we've experienced may not be for us, but to help someone else.
ReplyDeleteIn your case, my opinion, would be it is for your children. To teach them from your life experiences to be stronger than you was at certain ages in your life and to show them the full extent of your resolve. That even though, you've had your challenges, to never give up and to believe there is always a better day coming.
We all wish we could go back in time and change certain things by choosing different decisions. From what I've heard and seen, you've done a great job with your kids thus far, regardless of the rhetoric, you were ready to have your kids, even if you didn't know it at the time. We all have different paths to lead. We are not that much different in age, yet, I do not have any kids of my own, but that is my life path so far. All those that do and are raising their offspring with integrity are inspirational to me, you being one of them. Keep up the good work and stay strong! :)
Love it Carla! Thanks for keeping it real ;-)
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I don't know what took me so long to read your blogs Carla, but here I am. My Grand daughter lies next to me and I am saying to myself. I want better for her mother also. But knowing her life has taken the same female flaw-ride like yours. She is no longer with my grand daughters father, and it kills me to see her suffer the daily routine of a single mother. Knowing my daughter she will survive this and it will be ok.
ReplyDeleteThank you for shedding light to the what we may feel as walking this road alone. Actually we just walk it at different moments.
Bless Sis