I've only been blogging for a month and already there have been almost 3900 hits. Hmmm...do you all really care what I have to say or do some of u come here religiously because ya scared about what I may say about you?
Already a few of you have forwarded my posts to my ex. Don't bother me none but lemme ask u something. Why do u insist? Me and my kids don't mean anything to him and I've been known that so what's in it for u? You don't have to go thru alla that. I'm not a threat nor do I sweat him so ya free to enjoy him to the fullest. He is single and so am I so your efforts are fruitless. But I applaud em because I know tricks would do anything to seem like they are "better". But u are. For now. I wish u all the best.
Now let me set the record straight. This blog is not to expose or embarrass anyone. It's simply a tool i now use to serve a purpose....to express how I feel about everything and anything. If I'm saying it here ain't nothing I haven't said to whomever's face. I have nothing to lie about or hide and since NONE of you do anything for my kids i could care less what u think (lemme pause to thank those of u who have given me things for the kids. Much appreciated. U have done more than any of their families have on all sides including mine).
Now back to my point....
See, this blog is saving me from doing time. I was very angry for a very long time n couldn't let go. But I realized that all in was hurting was myself. I was mad at me because I made bad choices. I was willing and able to lash out with the intent of causing serious harm. My tongue is even worst than my pen. And trust it has caused damage. But now that I blog I don't even get anywhere as angry as i used to. And i have to give props to Mrs.Vickers and Darius at the Centre Against Abuse cause it it wasn't for them I would have surely been down co-Ed running from a hungry inmate named Pat by now!
For those of you who actually know me, u know that from a very young child I've always loved music and media. And nothing has changed. I loved it so much I went to school and got a degree in media. I could have been anything I wanted to but I chose this path because I LOVE IT. So get over it.
And if my blogs bother u then understand u have a choice to NOT read it. And for those of u who are afraid that I will blog about u cause u know ya done me dirty, lemme put ya mind to rest. It's coming. Just gonna express myself when the time hits me. I only write when my heart and hands are in sync.
So the next time you choose to forward portions of this blog for your personal gain remember: I am not a threat. Unless you personally eff w me or one of my kids.
Wednesday 26 October 2011
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Witnessing black love
Besides Na'im acting up at the airport, I had the BEST weekend ever. One of my first cousins, Kyle, got married on Saturday. No, I am not on a corny high after seeing the nuptials 'cause rarely do I go to a wedding and wish i was the bride (although I did feel a pang for the first time in years) but because I was surrounded by genuine black love on so many levels.
Firstly, the bride and groom. I am so happy for Kyle and Erica. Not only are we first cousins but he was also my best friend growing up. We lived next door to each other for years until my uncle took the family to America to start a new life. I remember bawling my eyes out at the airport as they went through the gate. My best buddie was leaving but I found peace in knowing that in would see him again. But I didn't see him for years and I accepted that I would probably just have to hold on to the memories that played such a huge part of my childhood. Believe it or not, i found him a couple of years ago on Facebook butbit would be 25 years before we ever laid eyes on each other again!
Thanksgiving 2009 was the best ever as Kyle and his parents spent it in Bermuda. I was stoked. In was just twobweeks away from giving birth to Eemy. Part of me even wished I went into labour early sonthey could meet the newest addition to the family. On November 30 ,2009, Kyle and i talked and I remember asking him: how come such a nice guy like u is still single?
He said: dunno cuz. I think I'm too picky.
Well I swear it may have just been nine months later I get an inbox| cuz I'm getting married next year and i would love if u could make it. I told him I would be there. And I was. Front and centre. At the reception! Te bride and groom toasted each other. They both said beautiful things but what I found most profound was their history...they were together in high school. She ended up marrying someone else. For years. It didnt work out. One day she called my cuz. And the rest is history. Their true love for each other conquered all.
Black love 2: My cousin Kev n his wife Tiff. The most hilarious corny in love still on their honeymoon two and a half years later love. Sooo funny n sweet to watch. Words cannot describe how in tune they are with each other. She loses something. He finds it. He starts a sentence. She finishes it. He steals kisses. She loves hugs. They made my heart sing this weekend. I have such a newfound love n respect for them. Oh did I add she's 24 and he's 27? Maturity has no age.
Black love 3: Four of the five Ks: my five baby cousins (including the one above). The love they have for each other is admirable. Don't get me wrong. They r far from angelic but they are all positive young men. I am thankful that my sons will have them as role models.
Black love 4:A woman who has finally discovered true love n happiness. On the flight home last night, the plane was empty but they had me on the aisle and a lady I'd known for many year was at the window. We talked about her new husband. She was happy. And she was glowing. But one sentence is something that I vowed to carry with me. She said: one day i woke up and decided to walk away from everyone in my life who was not bringing me joy. And she said when she did one day out of the blue, while on vacation, she met HIM, the man who would change her life forever. I really think I needed to hear that. She has inspired me. And I am truly happy for her.
Black love: my uncle his wife his sons and ME: Every time my uncle and i have our one on ones he always says to me: Carla, you are more than my niece, you are my daughter. I can tell him all of my secrets without judgement and he is straight up with me. He pulls no punches. Ever.
Well this weekend we road tripped to the wedding! Shared hotel rooms, prayed together and laughed together. I have to give u the visual. My uncle never smiles. He always has this gruff persona he tries to emit but we just laugh at him and know that if he isn't telling one of us off then it's all good.
I never wanted this weekend to end. I'm so grateful for the experience because it made me realize I want....black love.
Firstly, the bride and groom. I am so happy for Kyle and Erica. Not only are we first cousins but he was also my best friend growing up. We lived next door to each other for years until my uncle took the family to America to start a new life. I remember bawling my eyes out at the airport as they went through the gate. My best buddie was leaving but I found peace in knowing that in would see him again. But I didn't see him for years and I accepted that I would probably just have to hold on to the memories that played such a huge part of my childhood. Believe it or not, i found him a couple of years ago on Facebook butbit would be 25 years before we ever laid eyes on each other again!
Thanksgiving 2009 was the best ever as Kyle and his parents spent it in Bermuda. I was stoked. In was just twobweeks away from giving birth to Eemy. Part of me even wished I went into labour early sonthey could meet the newest addition to the family. On November 30 ,2009, Kyle and i talked and I remember asking him: how come such a nice guy like u is still single?
He said: dunno cuz. I think I'm too picky.
Well I swear it may have just been nine months later I get an inbox| cuz I'm getting married next year and i would love if u could make it. I told him I would be there. And I was. Front and centre. At the reception! Te bride and groom toasted each other. They both said beautiful things but what I found most profound was their history...they were together in high school. She ended up marrying someone else. For years. It didnt work out. One day she called my cuz. And the rest is history. Their true love for each other conquered all.
Black love 2: My cousin Kev n his wife Tiff. The most hilarious corny in love still on their honeymoon two and a half years later love. Sooo funny n sweet to watch. Words cannot describe how in tune they are with each other. She loses something. He finds it. He starts a sentence. She finishes it. He steals kisses. She loves hugs. They made my heart sing this weekend. I have such a newfound love n respect for them. Oh did I add she's 24 and he's 27? Maturity has no age.
Black love 3: Four of the five Ks: my five baby cousins (including the one above). The love they have for each other is admirable. Don't get me wrong. They r far from angelic but they are all positive young men. I am thankful that my sons will have them as role models.
Black love 4:A woman who has finally discovered true love n happiness. On the flight home last night, the plane was empty but they had me on the aisle and a lady I'd known for many year was at the window. We talked about her new husband. She was happy. And she was glowing. But one sentence is something that I vowed to carry with me. She said: one day i woke up and decided to walk away from everyone in my life who was not bringing me joy. And she said when she did one day out of the blue, while on vacation, she met HIM, the man who would change her life forever. I really think I needed to hear that. She has inspired me. And I am truly happy for her.
Black love: my uncle his wife his sons and ME: Every time my uncle and i have our one on ones he always says to me: Carla, you are more than my niece, you are my daughter. I can tell him all of my secrets without judgement and he is straight up with me. He pulls no punches. Ever.
Well this weekend we road tripped to the wedding! Shared hotel rooms, prayed together and laughed together. I have to give u the visual. My uncle never smiles. He always has this gruff persona he tries to emit but we just laugh at him and know that if he isn't telling one of us off then it's all good.
I never wanted this weekend to end. I'm so grateful for the experience because it made me realize I want....black love.
10 telltale signs he just don't want you
Day in, day out people confide in me about their relationship trials and tribulations. I listen cause obviously they are burdened but sometimes I really feel like a hypocrite 'cause it ain't like I have any sort of model relationship. In fact, I have no clue what I have because 99% of the time it's just me and the kids. Eery weekend. Every holiday and just about week day, it's just me and the three Musketeers. And you know what, I'm pretty at peace with it so that I could move on with the man who will treasure and appreciate me for who I am and what I have to offer. But the one thing I can't stand is a man who won't let go...especially when he has no interest in taking a substantive role in the relationship.
Men make me laugh! No let me rephrase that. BOYS make me laugh...they always wanna have their cake and eat it too. They think they can cheat and do whatever they want, be sorry they got caught, beg for a little forgiveness then expect for everything to be ok. Well peeps I am no longer that one. I ain't got no ring on my finger so I feel no desire to put up with substandard crap any longer. And no, that doesn't always mean cheating,but if a man would rather be everywhere and anywhere except with you there definitely is a problem. But homey don't get mad if there are many clamoring to be where u refuse to!
Ladies, life is too short to settle for shit. And to the GOOD MEN out there, you better not either! I know full well that there are some trifling women out there too.
So for those of you who may be in doubt about whether your man has checked out, I've compiled a list called Tootsie's Telltale Signs that he don't want you.....
1. He cheats while ya pregnant
2. He cheats while you're home taking care of the baby
3. He does nothing with u and takes you nowhere
4. He turns off his phone when you're around but it's always on when ya not
5. He always blames people in his home for why he never comes around
6. Always has to go to help someone (wonder what body part needed help?)
7. Tells lies to anyone who will listen
8. Blames u for everything that goes wrong but refuses to go counseling
9. Ignores your calls and says they left the phone 'in my bag'
10.doesn't want you to move on yet continues to repeat many of the signs above
I implore you not to be a fool. You deserve better. And so do I.
4.
Men make me laugh! No let me rephrase that. BOYS make me laugh...they always wanna have their cake and eat it too. They think they can cheat and do whatever they want, be sorry they got caught, beg for a little forgiveness then expect for everything to be ok. Well peeps I am no longer that one. I ain't got no ring on my finger so I feel no desire to put up with substandard crap any longer. And no, that doesn't always mean cheating,but if a man would rather be everywhere and anywhere except with you there definitely is a problem. But homey don't get mad if there are many clamoring to be where u refuse to!
Ladies, life is too short to settle for shit. And to the GOOD MEN out there, you better not either! I know full well that there are some trifling women out there too.
So for those of you who may be in doubt about whether your man has checked out, I've compiled a list called Tootsie's Telltale Signs that he don't want you.....
1. He cheats while ya pregnant
2. He cheats while you're home taking care of the baby
3. He does nothing with u and takes you nowhere
4. He turns off his phone when you're around but it's always on when ya not
5. He always blames people in his home for why he never comes around
6. Always has to go to help someone (wonder what body part needed help?)
7. Tells lies to anyone who will listen
8. Blames u for everything that goes wrong but refuses to go counseling
9. Ignores your calls and says they left the phone 'in my bag'
10.doesn't want you to move on yet continues to repeat many of the signs above
I implore you not to be a fool. You deserve better. And so do I.
4.
Monday 24 October 2011
I will never travel solo with a one year old again
Just wrapping up a trip to visit family. Had a blast! Nothing but giggles, hugs and kisses galore. I'm gonna talk about that later but right now I have to vent. I love this little boy butnhe is the worst travel buddy I've ever had. Doesn't keep still, screams to the top of his lungs for every and any thing (he's doing it now cause I won't let him run all over the place but do I care?).
The people at the next table arestaring and I'm here typing like I'm sitting on the beach in Bahamas. Why? Because any other response will be unsavory. People are staring n probably think I kidnapped him the way he's carrying on but on the outside I'm cool calm n collected.
I feel like grabbing someone husband n screaming: marry me so u can carry him n one of these pull up laden bags, but I don't. Definitely tempted though. And the flight don't leave for still another two hours. The only that settles him is sugar free gum but he's swallowed so many pieces I swear I've clogged him up! Such a price to pay for peace.
I'm tired of the matronly table cleaner looking at me with a silent: seely beetch, should háček used a condom. Up yours lady!
Now lemme head to the gate n let him drive another set of passengers insane.
The people at the next table arestaring and I'm here typing like I'm sitting on the beach in Bahamas. Why? Because any other response will be unsavory. People are staring n probably think I kidnapped him the way he's carrying on but on the outside I'm cool calm n collected.
I feel like grabbing someone husband n screaming: marry me so u can carry him n one of these pull up laden bags, but I don't. Definitely tempted though. And the flight don't leave for still another two hours. The only that settles him is sugar free gum but he's swallowed so many pieces I swear I've clogged him up! Such a price to pay for peace.
I'm tired of the matronly table cleaner looking at me with a silent: seely beetch, should háček used a condom. Up yours lady!
Now lemme head to the gate n let him drive another set of passengers insane.
Monday 17 October 2011
I think I scared my boss today
This has been one of the worst weekends ever. Firstly, I get called a constant bitch because I needed a break. Then this colleague who thinks that they are someone's boss pissed me off beyond belief. Then a couple of hours later someone else tested all that I learned in anger management early this year and I am pleased to say that I passed. Cause in the old days I would have exploded and said things that I shouldn't have while I was angry..instead I chose to take my kids and walk away.
Get home and then that lil girl who acts like her mama totally pissed me off to the point that she got evicted from my home for 15 minutes. That was funny..blog to come on that later tonight.
So yesterday, I blocked out the world. Turned phone off and just kept on the data. Made two phone calls and that's it.
So this morning, my sister calls me and we start to talk about something and I am venting and she says to me everything that I dont want to hear (she's rational, Im not). I start to tear up as we exchange our goodbyes. And the tears start flowing cause I'm just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated 'cause life is sucking ass big time right now. So I close my office door and try to collect myself but even more tears flow.
And then...knock.knock.knock. "May I come in?" It's my boss.
I'm like: "No, not right now I'm not in the mood (well he did ask!lol)"
But he's a man so he comes in anyway and as soon as he looked at me, I burst into tears..no sobs. He looked like: WTF? But he was cool, he allowed me to vent and then I felt better but in the middle of my torrent of tears, a contact fell out. Shit. And I left the contact fluid home. And I had a meeting and a press conference. And in 30 minutes I have another press conference so I gotta drive home with one eye, replace it and then go off to another press conference. Shit life is crazy today. And I gotta pee.
Get home and then that lil girl who acts like her mama totally pissed me off to the point that she got evicted from my home for 15 minutes. That was funny..blog to come on that later tonight.
So yesterday, I blocked out the world. Turned phone off and just kept on the data. Made two phone calls and that's it.
So this morning, my sister calls me and we start to talk about something and I am venting and she says to me everything that I dont want to hear (she's rational, Im not). I start to tear up as we exchange our goodbyes. And the tears start flowing cause I'm just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated 'cause life is sucking ass big time right now. So I close my office door and try to collect myself but even more tears flow.
And then...knock.knock.knock. "May I come in?" It's my boss.
I'm like: "No, not right now I'm not in the mood (well he did ask!lol)"
But he's a man so he comes in anyway and as soon as he looked at me, I burst into tears..no sobs. He looked like: WTF? But he was cool, he allowed me to vent and then I felt better but in the middle of my torrent of tears, a contact fell out. Shit. And I left the contact fluid home. And I had a meeting and a press conference. And in 30 minutes I have another press conference so I gotta drive home with one eye, replace it and then go off to another press conference. Shit life is crazy today. And I gotta pee.
Sunday 16 October 2011
Facing fears
Tonight I was talking to a dear friend of mine and the notion of being afraid of realizing our dreams came up. She is an awesome public figure who I think is the bomb and she always shoots me props in one form or the other.
While our fortes are similar, they are different. But our stumbling blocks are the same--somewhat afraid to step outside of our comfort zone. For me, it's because I have three mouths to feed. If I don't make money, they don't eat or have clothes on their back. But I'm restless. I feel it's my time to at least move one leg outside the box.
I can smell the success...can taste it in fact. I just need to stop thinking about and instead be about it.
While our fortes are similar, they are different. But our stumbling blocks are the same--somewhat afraid to step outside of our comfort zone. For me, it's because I have three mouths to feed. If I don't make money, they don't eat or have clothes on their back. But I'm restless. I feel it's my time to at least move one leg outside the box.
I can smell the success...can taste it in fact. I just need to stop thinking about and instead be about it.
Saturday 15 October 2011
"Ya such a bitch"
Every time I hear it i burst out laughing. Why? Because I'm not a bitch. I'm just fed up with people's shit. If I ask someone to do something and they don't and I say something I'm a bitch. When I ask someone to assist with their child's needs cause contrary to popoular belief I dont shit money for a living, I'm a bitch. When I ask someone to pay me my money because I worked for it, I'm a bitch. When I ask for you to take the kids so I can study and work on a new venture I want to pursue, I'm a bitch. When I'm mad I'm a bitch, and guess what I get called when I'm sad..yup, u guessed it.
So that's why I stop living for and worrying about everybody else..because short of a few people no one gives a fuck about me or my kids. Contrary to whatever stories ya told, no one hardly puts food in their bellies or puts clothes on their backs unless there's a birthday or Xmas and that's bare minimum too.
There are a select few who will take them so that i can have a break. and only three are relatives. None are in my or the kids' immediate family. I pay 100% of their college funds, school stuff and everything else they need. the only thing i dont pay is nursery fees.
So if me doing alla dat that makes me a bitch, so be it.
*drops mic*
So that's why I stop living for and worrying about everybody else..because short of a few people no one gives a fuck about me or my kids. Contrary to whatever stories ya told, no one hardly puts food in their bellies or puts clothes on their backs unless there's a birthday or Xmas and that's bare minimum too.
There are a select few who will take them so that i can have a break. and only three are relatives. None are in my or the kids' immediate family. I pay 100% of their college funds, school stuff and everything else they need. the only thing i dont pay is nursery fees.
So if me doing alla dat that makes me a bitch, so be it.
*drops mic*
Thursday 13 October 2011
It's official..I'm a ho!
Many times in life it takes a lot of maturity to admit when you have a problem that you see within yourself. Some people drink too much, others may smoke or gamble. In my case, I'm a ho. A social media ho. Gotcha! You all thought this post was going to be about me messing with someone's man. But it isn't. And I can hear some of you sucking your teeth in disgust...so sorry to disappoint.
For the last week, I have not had the chance to blog as I have been experiencing every technical difficulty under the sun. Firstly, my computer would not turn on. The engine (if that's what it's called) was humming but nothing was happening. This has happened a few times in the past so I really wasnt panicking but when nothing happened repeatedly I knew it was trouble.
Didnt sweat it though cause I had my good old bb, but RIM decided to act de ass and so I was now batting 0 for 2. But I had another trick up my sleeve....Kiki's mini laptop. I wanted to use the wifi but for the life of me could not get it to work so one of my techie cuz's said: "Just plug the internet connection into the laptop." DUH..why didn't I think of that? As I connected the wires, I think I'd actually started to drool with excitement anticipating coasting FB, twitter and the blog. But guess what happened when I tried to connect to the net? Absolutely NOTHING.
I wanted to scream. No bb data, no computer, no mini laptop. Would that mean that I would have to actually pick up the phone and call someone? I even knocked on my neighbour's door to ask if if her wifi was password protected cause I wanted to put this ipad to use. Ballsy inna, but desperate measures called for desperate times....I forgot that my wifi wasn't working. Bought a new router but it meant nothing if I couldn't turn the computer on.
My computer cousin said she could help me but it would be on Monday. I told her I would wait but inside I was counting the days until then. That would be 5 whole days..do you know how much information I was missing? I think for a second i even contemplated suicide!
I was so desperate by now i was praying for any sign of life on my bb. Even an annoying forward that I usually cant stand.
When I got to work this morning, I kissed my computer and told her that I missed her and would never take her for granted again. And that I would treasure those eight special hours I spent with her on a daily.
Knowing that I coukd not endure another night without my social media I called upon my good friend who promised me that he would assist and at the very least could install the new router so that I could use my ipad. I was hoping he could, if not I had planned to sit outside Lemon Tree with all the Filipinos for a couple of hours, using wifi.
Well, he arrived at ten, finished by 10.40 and here I am on de ipad. Happy as hell that i am BACK. Now excuse me while I catch up with the world....
For the last week, I have not had the chance to blog as I have been experiencing every technical difficulty under the sun. Firstly, my computer would not turn on. The engine (if that's what it's called) was humming but nothing was happening. This has happened a few times in the past so I really wasnt panicking but when nothing happened repeatedly I knew it was trouble.
Didnt sweat it though cause I had my good old bb, but RIM decided to act de ass and so I was now batting 0 for 2. But I had another trick up my sleeve....Kiki's mini laptop. I wanted to use the wifi but for the life of me could not get it to work so one of my techie cuz's said: "Just plug the internet connection into the laptop." DUH..why didn't I think of that? As I connected the wires, I think I'd actually started to drool with excitement anticipating coasting FB, twitter and the blog. But guess what happened when I tried to connect to the net? Absolutely NOTHING.
I wanted to scream. No bb data, no computer, no mini laptop. Would that mean that I would have to actually pick up the phone and call someone? I even knocked on my neighbour's door to ask if if her wifi was password protected cause I wanted to put this ipad to use. Ballsy inna, but desperate measures called for desperate times....I forgot that my wifi wasn't working. Bought a new router but it meant nothing if I couldn't turn the computer on.
My computer cousin said she could help me but it would be on Monday. I told her I would wait but inside I was counting the days until then. That would be 5 whole days..do you know how much information I was missing? I think for a second i even contemplated suicide!
I was so desperate by now i was praying for any sign of life on my bb. Even an annoying forward that I usually cant stand.
When I got to work this morning, I kissed my computer and told her that I missed her and would never take her for granted again. And that I would treasure those eight special hours I spent with her on a daily.
Knowing that I coukd not endure another night without my social media I called upon my good friend who promised me that he would assist and at the very least could install the new router so that I could use my ipad. I was hoping he could, if not I had planned to sit outside Lemon Tree with all the Filipinos for a couple of hours, using wifi.
Well, he arrived at ten, finished by 10.40 and here I am on de ipad. Happy as hell that i am BACK. Now excuse me while I catch up with the world....
Thursday 6 October 2011
"Welcome to the world of disappoinments, my child"
It's 12.30 in the morning and I am watching my daughter sleep. She looks so peaceful..unbothered by this sometimes harsh and wicked world. Later on this morning she is going to have to face reality...that life doesnt always end up the way you envisioned it. You see, during the morning assembly, the school will have its prefect ceremony...and she will not be a part of it.
She has not been selected to be a prefect.
For many growing up, being a prefect is a symbol of status, pretige, leadership. Wearing that tiny plastic pin seperates the everyday folk from the elite. I was a prefect at WPS and enjoyed every minute of it. In high school, I remember waiting with semi-bated breath for my name to be called. I really didnt care if I became a prefect. Moreso I wanted to know what went on behind that dark blue door to the ever elusive 'prefect room'. And I distinctly remember the smell of microwave popcorn..back then it was such a novelty item. Maybe that's why I eat so much of it to this day...to make up for not being able to during the 1990/1991 school year. I've digressed...told you I could get random.
Anyhow, I am not so much bothered that she wasnt chosen because that is a choice that was made by her school and who am I to question it. However, I take issue with parts of the process and the impact it has had on kids' self-esteem. When you have a list for teachers to tick the name of the students who they believe should be selected, make sure that kids who visit the office DO NOT see it. Because guess what, some did. And hence the talking between them began. When she heard about the list she came home and asked me to go to school the next day to 'vote' for her. I had no clue what she was referring to until a parent called me and asked me about the same dreaded list that was causing their child some discomfort.
Then to make matters worst, letters were sent home to parents and a child proudly shares the good news with their friends. Another silent devestating blow for those whose bags did not carry the same precious cargo.
When my child asked me if I'd received 'the letter' I got a lil knot in my stomach because I had to keep it 100 with her and tell her no. She held out hope that she would receive a letter today, but to no avail.
What do I do??
The only thing Carla knows how to do..I told her the truth. Her eyes welled up and she ran into the bathroom. I left her alone because this something that no amount of words could soften. My baby got her first taste of rejection. Damn. When she reemerged I told her simply: "Life can suck sometimes but it's how you deal with things that really matters."
"Dont trip tomorrow, just hold your head high. Continue to thrive academically and always walk with pride."
Her response: "Mama, I am gonna trip and I know I am gonna cry."
I told her it's ok to cry but frig, I was tearing up inside because she was getting a harsh introduction the world of disappointments. Little does she know that this is just the first of many. And probably the most painless. I wanted to tell her this but didnt because she has to understand that in life, many shitty sticks are handed to you. Only you can decide if they stick to you or not.
Part of me wants to go to the school in the morning to comfort her but I wont because in that long complicated road called life, if I do not teach her to perservere in trying times, I will cripple her during the rest of the journey.
Sleep peacefully baby girl...
She has not been selected to be a prefect.
For many growing up, being a prefect is a symbol of status, pretige, leadership. Wearing that tiny plastic pin seperates the everyday folk from the elite. I was a prefect at WPS and enjoyed every minute of it. In high school, I remember waiting with semi-bated breath for my name to be called. I really didnt care if I became a prefect. Moreso I wanted to know what went on behind that dark blue door to the ever elusive 'prefect room'. And I distinctly remember the smell of microwave popcorn..back then it was such a novelty item. Maybe that's why I eat so much of it to this day...to make up for not being able to during the 1990/1991 school year. I've digressed...told you I could get random.
Anyhow, I am not so much bothered that she wasnt chosen because that is a choice that was made by her school and who am I to question it. However, I take issue with parts of the process and the impact it has had on kids' self-esteem. When you have a list for teachers to tick the name of the students who they believe should be selected, make sure that kids who visit the office DO NOT see it. Because guess what, some did. And hence the talking between them began. When she heard about the list she came home and asked me to go to school the next day to 'vote' for her. I had no clue what she was referring to until a parent called me and asked me about the same dreaded list that was causing their child some discomfort.
Then to make matters worst, letters were sent home to parents and a child proudly shares the good news with their friends. Another silent devestating blow for those whose bags did not carry the same precious cargo.
When my child asked me if I'd received 'the letter' I got a lil knot in my stomach because I had to keep it 100 with her and tell her no. She held out hope that she would receive a letter today, but to no avail.
What do I do??
The only thing Carla knows how to do..I told her the truth. Her eyes welled up and she ran into the bathroom. I left her alone because this something that no amount of words could soften. My baby got her first taste of rejection. Damn. When she reemerged I told her simply: "Life can suck sometimes but it's how you deal with things that really matters."
"Dont trip tomorrow, just hold your head high. Continue to thrive academically and always walk with pride."
Her response: "Mama, I am gonna trip and I know I am gonna cry."
I told her it's ok to cry but frig, I was tearing up inside because she was getting a harsh introduction the world of disappointments. Little does she know that this is just the first of many. And probably the most painless. I wanted to tell her this but didnt because she has to understand that in life, many shitty sticks are handed to you. Only you can decide if they stick to you or not.
Part of me wants to go to the school in the morning to comfort her but I wont because in that long complicated road called life, if I do not teach her to perservere in trying times, I will cripple her during the rest of the journey.
Sleep peacefully baby girl...
Wednesday 5 October 2011
Should I leave or should I stay
Here lately I've been having difficulty sleeping. Images of the old days keeping floating through my mind.
Scene 1:
"Carla baby, when ya gon let me take me out on a date? I'm legal nah, just went 21! You know I love you!"
I always laughed when he said that. "Whatever fool," I would shout back. Holla when ya 30!"
Scene 2:
"xxxx, why are you sitting out here...and with ya child? Things are on a next level now. This is dangerous!"
xxx: "Girl you worry to much. We are protected. No one can touch this hill."
Scene 3:
"Hey Carla, just letting you know that I'm going to be doing some construction in our yard and we might have to cut down the loquat tree, you mind?"
Me: "Nah, I'm scared of lizards anyway."
Scene 4 (outside of a funeral).xxx has been crying:
"Hey xxx, I know I've been saying this for years and you can tell me to shut de eff up if you want, but you have to leave this hood alone. These guys aint playing. Lay low. I dont want anything to happen to you...ya better than all of this. I know you dont want to seem like a punk, but it may be time to turn ya back and leave this hill alone. I love you and but if anything happens to you I am NOT coming to your funeral, you understand?"
That last conversation was on December 12, 2009 outside the funeral of my longtime friend, Kumi Hardford. The night he was killed I was awake, just 48 hours away from giving birth and I heard every single shot. Every scream, every sob. And at least once a week that night plays over and over in my head.
And those scenes above I started out with, they will never happen again. Not because you cant turn back the hands of time, but because every one of those people are DEAD. Four young men, gone too soon. I knew each and every one from little. I watched them grow from lil snotty nosed boys into confident young men. They were not perfect, they were not angels but each of them was an important part of my life because they were a part of the neighbourhood that I love with all my soul.
May 2009, Im in Florida and I get a bb about a shooting. And then a text that someone was killed. I bawled my eyes out on that highway. That was surreal. And then months later there was another and another. This shit was beyond scary. I became paranoid. I would do everything in my power not to let Jani go outside but how do you tell a 3-year-old that he must stay in the house for his own safety? My daughter, who has heard more than her fair share of gun play in her 10 short years refused to venture even in the backyard after dusk because: "Um not getting shot."
Why do they and other children in our neighbourhood have to recall this as they reflect on their youth? I remember running all around, through the trees, in the huts, down the dump, having a BLAST with Nooshty, Gertie, 'Nette, Z and the crew. And the only thing I was afraid of was my granny punishing me for not coming home when she called.
She would stand in the yard and bellow: "Toooootsieeee". I was so embarrassed then, but so thankful now. Unfortunately, my children will never have that experience....and it saddens me.
"SO JUST LEAVE"
Over the last two years, Ive had at least 30 phone calls, especially from my mom, saying: "Take those babies and leave before it's too late."
I've pondered it but I can honestly say I dont feel unsafe. A little apprehensive at times, scared as hell at other times, but never unsafe. Am I ignorant. It's not like the neighbourhood is huge. A bullet off by a few feet could prove fatal to an innocent person...including myself.
But my nana worked for her home and I somehow feel that I would be throwing away her legacy if I sell it or leave. I've been told my many: she gave it to you so that you could have a start..it doesnt mean that you are stuck there forever. True. Maybe one day.
But one thing is for sure, I love my hill and all its character, but I miss the 'old' hill. There's no more activity and everyone is either dead, locked up or left Bermuda in order to remain alive. Often I drive through and tears well up in my eyes because I know that things will never be the same...
**I miss you guys. RIP**
Scene 1:
"Carla baby, when ya gon let me take me out on a date? I'm legal nah, just went 21! You know I love you!"
I always laughed when he said that. "Whatever fool," I would shout back. Holla when ya 30!"
Scene 2:
"xxxx, why are you sitting out here...and with ya child? Things are on a next level now. This is dangerous!"
xxx: "Girl you worry to much. We are protected. No one can touch this hill."
Scene 3:
"Hey Carla, just letting you know that I'm going to be doing some construction in our yard and we might have to cut down the loquat tree, you mind?"
Me: "Nah, I'm scared of lizards anyway."
Scene 4 (outside of a funeral).xxx has been crying:
"Hey xxx, I know I've been saying this for years and you can tell me to shut de eff up if you want, but you have to leave this hood alone. These guys aint playing. Lay low. I dont want anything to happen to you...ya better than all of this. I know you dont want to seem like a punk, but it may be time to turn ya back and leave this hill alone. I love you and but if anything happens to you I am NOT coming to your funeral, you understand?"
That last conversation was on December 12, 2009 outside the funeral of my longtime friend, Kumi Hardford. The night he was killed I was awake, just 48 hours away from giving birth and I heard every single shot. Every scream, every sob. And at least once a week that night plays over and over in my head.
And those scenes above I started out with, they will never happen again. Not because you cant turn back the hands of time, but because every one of those people are DEAD. Four young men, gone too soon. I knew each and every one from little. I watched them grow from lil snotty nosed boys into confident young men. They were not perfect, they were not angels but each of them was an important part of my life because they were a part of the neighbourhood that I love with all my soul.
May 2009, Im in Florida and I get a bb about a shooting. And then a text that someone was killed. I bawled my eyes out on that highway. That was surreal. And then months later there was another and another. This shit was beyond scary. I became paranoid. I would do everything in my power not to let Jani go outside but how do you tell a 3-year-old that he must stay in the house for his own safety? My daughter, who has heard more than her fair share of gun play in her 10 short years refused to venture even in the backyard after dusk because: "Um not getting shot."
Why do they and other children in our neighbourhood have to recall this as they reflect on their youth? I remember running all around, through the trees, in the huts, down the dump, having a BLAST with Nooshty, Gertie, 'Nette, Z and the crew. And the only thing I was afraid of was my granny punishing me for not coming home when she called.
She would stand in the yard and bellow: "Toooootsieeee". I was so embarrassed then, but so thankful now. Unfortunately, my children will never have that experience....and it saddens me.
"SO JUST LEAVE"
Over the last two years, Ive had at least 30 phone calls, especially from my mom, saying: "Take those babies and leave before it's too late."
I've pondered it but I can honestly say I dont feel unsafe. A little apprehensive at times, scared as hell at other times, but never unsafe. Am I ignorant. It's not like the neighbourhood is huge. A bullet off by a few feet could prove fatal to an innocent person...including myself.
But my nana worked for her home and I somehow feel that I would be throwing away her legacy if I sell it or leave. I've been told my many: she gave it to you so that you could have a start..it doesnt mean that you are stuck there forever. True. Maybe one day.
But one thing is for sure, I love my hill and all its character, but I miss the 'old' hill. There's no more activity and everyone is either dead, locked up or left Bermuda in order to remain alive. Often I drive through and tears well up in my eyes because I know that things will never be the same...
**I miss you guys. RIP**
Tuesday 4 October 2011
Adventures in mamaland
So tonight I get home late 'cause I stopped at my aunt's to help her with something. I end up laying on her couch half snoozing. I am tired as heck and there is no rest for the weary. Plus, I really dont feel like washing the TONS of plastic containers from the kids since they are being really strict this year about enforcing 'trash free' lunches. Yea, yea, I love the environment just like the next tree hugger, but I took sandwich bags to school in the 70's and we are still doing just fine.
Anyway, I come home, and begin the nightly regime. Bath Eemy with no incident, dry him off and off he goes. Then comes my chocolate boy. Now let me start by saying..when I was pregnant I was warned by one of my male cousins: "The key to successfully raising boys is that they will ALWAYS do stupid things." Well, he wasnt joking. Tell me why Boy Boys (Jani) eagerly disrobes, hops in the tub and proceeds to PEE!! Like serz lil boy?! He thinks it's hilarious. Well surely you know what I did next...
I added more Savlon and Radox and a good bath he got. I can hear some of you saying: eeeww but have you bought a tank of water lately? Plus, I reationalised, the concentration of water to pee was at least 50 to 1 so I figured it probably broke down to the strength of peroxide. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
So after all is said and done (and Jani's skin has a special 'glow' (lmao) I allow them to go the computer. Next thing I know just Eemy is on it and when I go to check my email, the screen in UPSIDE DOWN!! And he is there happily pointing and clicking away like he's surfing the web. How in the hell did he do that?
I dont panic cause I'm thinking it's as simple as just clicking on something. I remembered him handling the mouse so here i am turning the mouse around, right clicking, left clicking, tryna click both sides together..SOMETHING..to no avail! I reboot the computer, still upside down. I turn it completely off and leave it for a few minutes. FAIL again. Now I'm getting hot under the collar. I try to click on things upside down but I dare you reprogramme ya brain in an instant...it will drive you insane.
Cause I got so much to do, I am starting to panic. So I make a few calls and eventually get it fixed, but in my determination to solve this problem I am leaving the lillest one unsupervised and I go in my room and there is popcorn EVERYWHERE. He is jumping on the bed and the kernels are flying. I go in the kitchen to get the broom and the fridge is open because he has mastered helping himself and tonight it was obvious that he ate ham straight outta de container.
I am like what the heck can go off kilter this evening....
So it's now 9.45 and there is no sign of sleep in their eyes. In fact Eemy asks for his "baba" only to show me how he's mastered the art of spitting all over aforementioned popcorn filled bed. 5-4-3-2-1.
So I take the juice and he SCREAMS the house down. So now I have a dilema...allow him to have it and he spits all over my bed or take it from him and he screams. Well I chose the latter. I'm sure I will be getting a visit from Sheelagh Cooper toma. Whatever. Within 20 minutes Boy Boys is snoring and Eeemy is WIDE OPEN. Benadryll is an option but my doctor friend is unreachable and I need the correct dosing...damn!
Well an hour and several smacks later my lil Eemy finally lost the battle with the Sandman and all is quiet in my world. Until it begins all over again tomorrow. But I love my life and wouldnt trade it for anybody's. Now let me get my azz of this computer and change my linen and sweep up all the damn popcorn!
Anyway, I come home, and begin the nightly regime. Bath Eemy with no incident, dry him off and off he goes. Then comes my chocolate boy. Now let me start by saying..when I was pregnant I was warned by one of my male cousins: "The key to successfully raising boys is that they will ALWAYS do stupid things." Well, he wasnt joking. Tell me why Boy Boys (Jani) eagerly disrobes, hops in the tub and proceeds to PEE!! Like serz lil boy?! He thinks it's hilarious. Well surely you know what I did next...
I added more Savlon and Radox and a good bath he got. I can hear some of you saying: eeeww but have you bought a tank of water lately? Plus, I reationalised, the concentration of water to pee was at least 50 to 1 so I figured it probably broke down to the strength of peroxide. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
So after all is said and done (and Jani's skin has a special 'glow' (lmao) I allow them to go the computer. Next thing I know just Eemy is on it and when I go to check my email, the screen in UPSIDE DOWN!! And he is there happily pointing and clicking away like he's surfing the web. How in the hell did he do that?
I dont panic cause I'm thinking it's as simple as just clicking on something. I remembered him handling the mouse so here i am turning the mouse around, right clicking, left clicking, tryna click both sides together..SOMETHING..to no avail! I reboot the computer, still upside down. I turn it completely off and leave it for a few minutes. FAIL again. Now I'm getting hot under the collar. I try to click on things upside down but I dare you reprogramme ya brain in an instant...it will drive you insane.
Cause I got so much to do, I am starting to panic. So I make a few calls and eventually get it fixed, but in my determination to solve this problem I am leaving the lillest one unsupervised and I go in my room and there is popcorn EVERYWHERE. He is jumping on the bed and the kernels are flying. I go in the kitchen to get the broom and the fridge is open because he has mastered helping himself and tonight it was obvious that he ate ham straight outta de container.
I am like what the heck can go off kilter this evening....
So it's now 9.45 and there is no sign of sleep in their eyes. In fact Eemy asks for his "baba" only to show me how he's mastered the art of spitting all over aforementioned popcorn filled bed. 5-4-3-2-1.
So I take the juice and he SCREAMS the house down. So now I have a dilema...allow him to have it and he spits all over my bed or take it from him and he screams. Well I chose the latter. I'm sure I will be getting a visit from Sheelagh Cooper toma. Whatever. Within 20 minutes Boy Boys is snoring and Eeemy is WIDE OPEN. Benadryll is an option but my doctor friend is unreachable and I need the correct dosing...damn!
Well an hour and several smacks later my lil Eemy finally lost the battle with the Sandman and all is quiet in my world. Until it begins all over again tomorrow. But I love my life and wouldnt trade it for anybody's. Now let me get my azz of this computer and change my linen and sweep up all the damn popcorn!
I thought I offended someone already!!
Cheez, I aint even had this blog for 2 days and already I got a phone call about one of my posts...
"Carla..um..you know that Crow Lane post? Well, you may be talking about xx's mama." Oh shoot.
So the caller goes on to tell me that they are pretty sure that who they think I was describing was working yesterday around the time I described. 'Round 11.30 last night I settle in to check emails and do all the other stuff I do when my FB chat goes off (insert the sound it makes when you have a convo) and yup, you guessed it..up pops xx's name. I'm looking at the pop up saying: should I answer? cause this is my girl (and not to mention a cousin) and I really dont want to beef with her over anything cause we cool peoples...but I thought let me be a man about it and answer.
"I saw ya blog tonight and I think you are talking about my mama. She worked tonight." I wanted to fall through the floor. I braced for an effin off but she was cool and we ended up laughing about it.
But she said one thing that made me have even more respect for her, after I said, "Oops"
"No need to be sorry. Right is right and if she did act like that I'm gonna mention it to her cause I dont stand for that."
I tip my hat to you XX cause that conversation could have taken a whole new direction if you or I was part of that elite species---THE CHICKENHEAD!
Moral of the story:
"Carla..um..you know that Crow Lane post? Well, you may be talking about xx's mama." Oh shoot.
So the caller goes on to tell me that they are pretty sure that who they think I was describing was working yesterday around the time I described. 'Round 11.30 last night I settle in to check emails and do all the other stuff I do when my FB chat goes off (insert the sound it makes when you have a convo) and yup, you guessed it..up pops xx's name. I'm looking at the pop up saying: should I answer? cause this is my girl (and not to mention a cousin) and I really dont want to beef with her over anything cause we cool peoples...but I thought let me be a man about it and answer.
"I saw ya blog tonight and I think you are talking about my mama. She worked tonight." I wanted to fall through the floor. I braced for an effin off but she was cool and we ended up laughing about it.
But she said one thing that made me have even more respect for her, after I said, "Oops"
"No need to be sorry. Right is right and if she did act like that I'm gonna mention it to her cause I dont stand for that."
I tip my hat to you XX cause that conversation could have taken a whole new direction if you or I was part of that elite species---THE CHICKENHEAD!
Moral of the story:
- Word spreads fast when ya pissed
- People actually read my blog
- REAL women talk things out, not take an instant attitude without examining the real cause first
Peace...
Monday 3 October 2011
So UN-damn-BERMUDIAN
So after work I go to a meeting and I have the kids with me. About 3/4 of the way through Eemy decides to do the biggest 'gift' on earth. I'd left his bag in the car and thought I could hold out until it ended. But when it started to run through his pants I knew it was serious.
So we get to the car; I start to take his Pull Up off and realise that there are no wipes in there and there is poop everywhere. I can't take him home like that because it would get all over the place, and worst still, it would be just downright mean of me to make him sit.
I'm parked right outside of Crow Lane Bakery and there are two ladies just standing in there looking blase' so I ask Kiki and Jani to run and ask them if we could please have some napkins so I can change their brother. As quickly as they go, they are back and Kiki tells me the lady rudely tells her: "We are closed!" THEY ARE STILL STANDING THERE IN THE WINDOW. So I am like: HUH?
"Kee go back and tell them that you do not wish to purchase anything. It's an emergency and we need a few napkins." She goes back and I watch the witches tell her again. So needless to say I am pissed the hell off by now.
So I go to the door and first ask nicely that I need to change my son. And what the frick do you think those bitches did? They looked me dead in my face and IGNORED me. Well, I do not play that shit and I started to make off outside the door. I could understand if I wanted to purchase their day old cake, but I wanted a napkin. Well let me tell you, one musta realised that I am one friggin psycho when it comes to my kids 'cause just as I was about to bang the shit out of that door she went running and got me some paper.
Kiki knows her mama and said: "Mama go back to the car. Calm down, I'll get it." I never disrespect my elders but they was gonna get it. Trust. What if I was kid who needed to call a parent, or a tourist who needed directions, I'm sorry but "We're closed" just does not cut it.
And may my parents forgive me, but as I slowly drove off seething, I made sure they read my lips...BITCHES.
So we get to the car; I start to take his Pull Up off and realise that there are no wipes in there and there is poop everywhere. I can't take him home like that because it would get all over the place, and worst still, it would be just downright mean of me to make him sit.
I'm parked right outside of Crow Lane Bakery and there are two ladies just standing in there looking blase' so I ask Kiki and Jani to run and ask them if we could please have some napkins so I can change their brother. As quickly as they go, they are back and Kiki tells me the lady rudely tells her: "We are closed!" THEY ARE STILL STANDING THERE IN THE WINDOW. So I am like: HUH?
"Kee go back and tell them that you do not wish to purchase anything. It's an emergency and we need a few napkins." She goes back and I watch the witches tell her again. So needless to say I am pissed the hell off by now.
So I go to the door and first ask nicely that I need to change my son. And what the frick do you think those bitches did? They looked me dead in my face and IGNORED me. Well, I do not play that shit and I started to make off outside the door. I could understand if I wanted to purchase their day old cake, but I wanted a napkin. Well let me tell you, one musta realised that I am one friggin psycho when it comes to my kids 'cause just as I was about to bang the shit out of that door she went running and got me some paper.
Kiki knows her mama and said: "Mama go back to the car. Calm down, I'll get it." I never disrespect my elders but they was gonna get it. Trust. What if I was kid who needed to call a parent, or a tourist who needed directions, I'm sorry but "We're closed" just does not cut it.
And may my parents forgive me, but as I slowly drove off seething, I made sure they read my lips...BITCHES.
WHO IS CARLA?
Only a few of you REALLY know me. You have no clue what makes me tick. Yes, I'm dedicated to my kids, a hard worker, highly intelligent and ambitious blah blah blah but WHO AM I?
I ask myself this daily because the person who I envision and the person I am are two very disparate characters at times. First and foremost, I am angry. With whom, you wonder? The answer is simple..myself.
Although I am blessed, I never thought at 37 years old, my life would be where it is today. I have three kids, I am unmarried,nd that doesn't look to change anytime soon. Why? Because I am also afraid. Afraid of getting hurt yet again by males who I trusted and turned around and shit on me, especially when I needed them the most. I often ask myself, "What prevented you from seeing what they were really about..there were signs..yet you chose to ignore them..pretend they didnt exist."
I love my kids, don't get me wrong but more times than not I regret the relationships I was in which produced them. If I could live life all over again, I would not have sex until I was married (ok, I'm lying...until I am engaged..gotta test drive the goods first!lol) because more than anything I am remorseful that my kids are not a part of a cohesive family unit. Hence, the self-disappointment. My situation will NEVER dictate the outcome of my kids' lives and rarely do I ever discuss it with them, but they are not stupid. I hear the comments, especially from the 5-year-old, because he more than any of them wants his daddy everyday (not de sperm donor--but that's another blog for when I'm under the influence). Just this weekend he said: "I want to be in my daddy's wedding when he marries you 'cause if he marries you then I can have him forever."
He broke my heart when he said that but he will never know..cause his mama is a soldier. And I dont ever want to burden him with my sorrow for what is and what most likely will never ever be.
I often wonder what my daughter thinks of me. She's a good girl and her academics are on point. I am so proud of her, but I am also hard on her the most because like hell if I want her to be like me from that perspective.
I want her to make much better choices. I want her to get married and I definitely want her to have her kids with ONE man. She knows how I feel about that as I make no bones about it. She's beautiful and she knows it, especially since EVERY day someone is fawning over her eyes (it irritates me because if I was white or light no one would say anything) so like hell will I ever allow her to become shallow and so in awe of compliments that some lil thug or nuffinarian will charm her pants off her. But I have to be careful..last thing I want is to inadvertently make her so hard that she doesn't get to enjoy real, unadulterated love. Because believe it or not, I do believe that it does exist. And I will have it one day. Once I learn to forgive....
Forgiving is extremely difficult for me. I NEVER forget. Hell, I could tell you what I was doing 10 years ago so letting go of recent stuff dont stand a chance. I am working on it but it's hard when the very people who offend you are prancing all around Bermuda, gloating in your face.
I have to understand that not all men are alike. That there are decent men out there. And I need to understand that Bermuda is only a small dot on the world map....love is boundless. But whether it's next door or 1,000 miles away (where would that be anyway?) I have to stop being mad and be willing to accept the love I truly deserve....
TBC
I ask myself this daily because the person who I envision and the person I am are two very disparate characters at times. First and foremost, I am angry. With whom, you wonder? The answer is simple..myself.
Although I am blessed, I never thought at 37 years old, my life would be where it is today. I have three kids, I am unmarried,nd that doesn't look to change anytime soon. Why? Because I am also afraid. Afraid of getting hurt yet again by males who I trusted and turned around and shit on me, especially when I needed them the most. I often ask myself, "What prevented you from seeing what they were really about..there were signs..yet you chose to ignore them..pretend they didnt exist."
I love my kids, don't get me wrong but more times than not I regret the relationships I was in which produced them. If I could live life all over again, I would not have sex until I was married (ok, I'm lying...until I am engaged..gotta test drive the goods first!lol) because more than anything I am remorseful that my kids are not a part of a cohesive family unit. Hence, the self-disappointment. My situation will NEVER dictate the outcome of my kids' lives and rarely do I ever discuss it with them, but they are not stupid. I hear the comments, especially from the 5-year-old, because he more than any of them wants his daddy everyday (not de sperm donor--but that's another blog for when I'm under the influence). Just this weekend he said: "I want to be in my daddy's wedding when he marries you 'cause if he marries you then I can have him forever."
He broke my heart when he said that but he will never know..cause his mama is a soldier. And I dont ever want to burden him with my sorrow for what is and what most likely will never ever be.
I often wonder what my daughter thinks of me. She's a good girl and her academics are on point. I am so proud of her, but I am also hard on her the most because like hell if I want her to be like me from that perspective.
I want her to make much better choices. I want her to get married and I definitely want her to have her kids with ONE man. She knows how I feel about that as I make no bones about it. She's beautiful and she knows it, especially since EVERY day someone is fawning over her eyes (it irritates me because if I was white or light no one would say anything) so like hell will I ever allow her to become shallow and so in awe of compliments that some lil thug or nuffinarian will charm her pants off her. But I have to be careful..last thing I want is to inadvertently make her so hard that she doesn't get to enjoy real, unadulterated love. Because believe it or not, I do believe that it does exist. And I will have it one day. Once I learn to forgive....
Forgiving is extremely difficult for me. I NEVER forget. Hell, I could tell you what I was doing 10 years ago so letting go of recent stuff dont stand a chance. I am working on it but it's hard when the very people who offend you are prancing all around Bermuda, gloating in your face.
I have to understand that not all men are alike. That there are decent men out there. And I need to understand that Bermuda is only a small dot on the world map....love is boundless. But whether it's next door or 1,000 miles away (where would that be anyway?) I have to stop being mad and be willing to accept the love I truly deserve....
TBC
Sunday 2 October 2011
NOW is the time!!
Oh shit, my first blog..so much to say but too damn tired to say it, but this is just a reflection of my life period..got way too much on my plate but keep eating more. Why? Because I feel that I never push myself to my limit. Yet on the other hand, my rope is getting shorter and shorter. Let's stop and discuss for a moment why am I up at 1.57 a.m.. It's all Na'im's fault. For those of you who know me well, you know that's my 22-month-old. Handsome lil boy but fiery as hell. I guess it's true what they say...when ya pregnant, the baby absorbs what you feel inside. well if that's true he should be on parole by the time he graduates from preschool. but that's another post for another day.
Anyhoo...because the lil whippersnapper has spent just about every night of his life in my bed he REFUSES to go to sleep unless he is touching me in some way. Whether it's physically holding on to my clothes, a tiny foot on my leg or an occasional punch in the eye (now you wanna talk about curse!), he has to know that I am nearby. There's only one exception to his rule and that's when his daddy is around..that'll be addressed sometime in the future.
So, mama lays down after giving his big brother spanks and sending him to bed and vows not to fall asleep because it's only 10.00 and I got to iron but what you think happens? Yup. You guessed it. But although I should be ironing, I gravitated to my computer. Oh well. Everything happens for a reason.
WHY BLOG NOW?
People have asked me FOREVER why I wouldn't do it and truthfully it never really interested me but here lately I've been wrestling with it and then my girl, Powergirl Trina, kept encouraging me and here I am today. And I just realised that I left one of the mats to my car out on the lawn. Damn, that was random. But that's me...the ultimate multi tasker. I have to be. I got three kids and tons of shit to do.
One of the reasons why Ive been reluctant to start this blog because I know that unintentionally or not I will offend someone. Whether it be a friend, a relative, a former lover, but you know what? WHO CARES. The purpose of this blog is express how I truly feel and if I have offended you it means that I am telling the truth. I'm not apologising for it. I will speak the TRUTH and all times and I cannot feel sorry for that.
As a professional writer I am so excited about where my fingers are gonna take me (us). You may be surprised. I will make you laugh, you will feel me cry. You'll hear me drop an eff bomb or two (yeah yeah some of you may not like it blah blah blah). You'll make judgements. Hell, you may even ask questions..but guess what you'll ultimately do..you learn who I am, what makes me tick and why I do what I do. Now, I hear Ajani inside stirring and his butt aint due up for another 5 hours. Oh that's the other thing. I rarely sleep because all three of them think they HAVE to be in my bed 8 nights a week. I wouldnt mind if I had a queen or bigger but I have a full bed. My daughter, who will be taller than me in 20 mins, has a wingspan of 10 feet, Ajani, 5, literally does not care where the rest of his limbs fall as long as his head is on a pillow (wait till y'all see the pics) and Ny is drinking juice with one foot up against the headboard.
So here's what's gonna happen..Im gonna iron and then go to sleep in their room and one by one they will smell mama and come a running. It's like they tag team. But I'm happy. It is a privilege to be a parent..no matter how much alcohol I consume in a 24-hour period!
Anyhoo...because the lil whippersnapper has spent just about every night of his life in my bed he REFUSES to go to sleep unless he is touching me in some way. Whether it's physically holding on to my clothes, a tiny foot on my leg or an occasional punch in the eye (now you wanna talk about curse!), he has to know that I am nearby. There's only one exception to his rule and that's when his daddy is around..that'll be addressed sometime in the future.
So, mama lays down after giving his big brother spanks and sending him to bed and vows not to fall asleep because it's only 10.00 and I got to iron but what you think happens? Yup. You guessed it. But although I should be ironing, I gravitated to my computer. Oh well. Everything happens for a reason.
WHY BLOG NOW?
People have asked me FOREVER why I wouldn't do it and truthfully it never really interested me but here lately I've been wrestling with it and then my girl, Powergirl Trina, kept encouraging me and here I am today. And I just realised that I left one of the mats to my car out on the lawn. Damn, that was random. But that's me...the ultimate multi tasker. I have to be. I got three kids and tons of shit to do.
One of the reasons why Ive been reluctant to start this blog because I know that unintentionally or not I will offend someone. Whether it be a friend, a relative, a former lover, but you know what? WHO CARES. The purpose of this blog is express how I truly feel and if I have offended you it means that I am telling the truth. I'm not apologising for it. I will speak the TRUTH and all times and I cannot feel sorry for that.
As a professional writer I am so excited about where my fingers are gonna take me (us). You may be surprised. I will make you laugh, you will feel me cry. You'll hear me drop an eff bomb or two (yeah yeah some of you may not like it blah blah blah). You'll make judgements. Hell, you may even ask questions..but guess what you'll ultimately do..you learn who I am, what makes me tick and why I do what I do. Now, I hear Ajani inside stirring and his butt aint due up for another 5 hours. Oh that's the other thing. I rarely sleep because all three of them think they HAVE to be in my bed 8 nights a week. I wouldnt mind if I had a queen or bigger but I have a full bed. My daughter, who will be taller than me in 20 mins, has a wingspan of 10 feet, Ajani, 5, literally does not care where the rest of his limbs fall as long as his head is on a pillow (wait till y'all see the pics) and Ny is drinking juice with one foot up against the headboard.
So here's what's gonna happen..Im gonna iron and then go to sleep in their room and one by one they will smell mama and come a running. It's like they tag team. But I'm happy. It is a privilege to be a parent..no matter how much alcohol I consume in a 24-hour period!
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